Mark Morrow's You Will Laugh Or Else It's The Goofy Suit

Over the 11 years of my life, I've seen problems with smoking.

When you see somebody smoking, you obviously think, "Ewww, that looks disgusting. I'm never gonna be doing that. Hey, he's offering me a cigarette. Ok, Mr., I'll have a smoke with you!" See, once you've started, you can't stop. And it has physical problems, and mental problems, and dating problems.

My old friend Jim's father loved to smoke. He would not stop. But Jim had tales of his father's trouble with dating. Like the time he went upstairs on the balcony, dropped some of that wierd hot stuff from his cigarette, and burned his girlfriend's hair off. And even as the fire went on, he commented, "There ain't nothin like a smoke!"

There have been other problems that put you between a rock and a hard place. For example, in Colorado, I think, there was a ban on smoking in some town. But in that town a play was going on that required smoking. The police would not back down on the ban, and if the players did not smoke, they would be violating the copyright. The police suggested tobacco free cigarettes. It didn't work. It smelled like marijuana. The police almost made a raid because of it.

One neighbor told me the story of his "There ain't nothin like a smoke," story. He sat me down in his house, and began on his tale.

"When I was still dating, my father wanted me to marry some girl named Rebecca. I was actually in love with another girl named Pollyanna. I told Pollyanna I would take care of it on our first date.

"When we sat down to eat, I pulled out my pipe, and my friend Bob behind me pulled out a full-size fan. Rebecca didn't notice. We had a nice dinner, but then I made the sign and Bob turned it on. What happened next was a complete accident.

"The coals missed and lit a man's jacket on fire. He lept up, dropping some of the flame onto the table. It began to burn, and lit the carpet. Rebecca was devistated by the end of it; her best dress had been half burned off her body. Me and Bob somehow got off of accusations of arson. However, just the other day, I was smokin' my pipe, and I saw Rebecca and a friend walkin' past me on the street, so I commented loudly to my friend, "There ain't nothin like a smoke!" Boy, you shoulda heard here runnin down the street and screamin' here lungs out, "Arson! Aauuggh! It's the Arson Man!" It was the second time I escaped a jail setence."

Well, I've seen something like that. In fact, I had a little joke I managed on someone, it must have been Rebecca.

An old lady walked past, and I noticed she appeared the same as a picture I saw marked Rebecca. I shouted, "There ain't nothin like a smoke!"

I've been to court now.